my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
