ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
