a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
