WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
