The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
