his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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