just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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