I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
