can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
