The maid of honor just puked.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
