My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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