legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
