saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
