I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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