Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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