I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
