If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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