You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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