I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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