Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
