A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
