i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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