Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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