I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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