who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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