I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
