You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
