Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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