First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
