he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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