Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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