the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
