I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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