I showed him my bush... on skype.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
