I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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