Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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