So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
