Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
