just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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