last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize