I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Less talking, more tequila
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
