i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
