THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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