I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize