Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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