she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
