Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
