I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
