Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
