Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
