matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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