Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
