Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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