Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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