pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
