I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm too high and old for this...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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