Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Found your dick twin last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
